How do you fight well? Five principles for having conversations that matter.
Conflict is no one's favourite pastime but it's an inevitable part of life. So how do you lean into it in a way that breaks cycles, builds understanding and leads to creative outcomes?
When it’s pouring with rain and you need to go outside, do you:
a) Try to dodge each droplet of rain, weaving your way through the shower?
b) Shout at the rain to go away until it gives up and goes away.
c) Tell the rain that it’s totally OK to soak you through, hoping it chooses to stop.
It’s a stupid question with stupid answers, and yet this is how most people deal with conflict.
Like the rain, conflict is natural and therefore unavoidable.
We will, at some point, come into disagreement with other people or find ourselves in circumstances that are unexpected and frustrating.
But like trying to dodge the raindrops, we might try to duck and dodge conflict the moment it looks like it’s on the horizon.
Or we might blow up and try to shut it down, thinking that if we shout loud enough or repeat ourselves consistently enough, the other will see sense and give up.
Or perhaps we’ll do everything we can to smooth things over, completely neglecting our needs and subjugating our opinions just so we don’t have to experience it.
This ‘battle with reality’ and doing everything we can to make uncomfortable things go away is also a natural and normal part of being human but it doesn’t serve us well.
This last realisation was an inflection point for me back in 2016.
I’d been training in and teaching Nonviolent Communication, a framework for building connection and empathy, for a number of years but something had started to feel ‘off’.
What I realised is that there didn’t seem to be any practice that was truly rooted on this basic reality: that conflict is as natural as rain or the seasons.
If you start from the point of view that conflict must be resolved or transformed, then the approach you take will be about getting to an outcome as quickly as possible. One where there is no longer any conflict.
But it’s when we find things difficult that we have the most to learn. The better you are able to sit in that difficulty with others, the more creative, sustainable and satisfying the place is that you arrive in together.
That’s why I chose to create a practice called How to Fight Well.
The idea of fighting well is a bit of a paradox for most people (which is one of the reasons I teach it) so I’d like to describe what it really means.
These simple principles can act as anchors when you find yourself wanting to ‘argue with reality’ (hat tip to Byron Katie for that great phrase).
1. Don’t take it personally.
The reason that many conflicts feel uncomfortable or become intractable is because of how we talk to each other when things get difficult.
Our distress or frustration clouds our thinking about the issue itself, and instead we’re focused on why the other person is wrong and we are right.
When this happens it gets personal.
Suddenly, instead of having a debate we find ourselves in a slanging match - even if that’s dressed up as a debate.
However the other person expresses their views, notice when you’re receiving them as a personal attack (especially if they’re framed that way) and do your best to refocus on why this issue matters to you.
Explain it in a way that doesn’t perpetuate the zero sum game of: I’m right, you’re wrong.
2. Acknowledge the person.
While there might be a practical and real issue that we’re fighting over, how we feel about it is translated through the filter of our feelings, needs and past experiences.
When you’re listening to someone talk about what they care about - especially if they’re doing it in a way that feels personal (see principle one) - pay attention to how it affects them.
Zoom out from the content and listen for the person underneath. Don’t get hung up on the detail but instead bear witness to what’s going on under the surface.
A basic need for all human beings is a need to feel heard and a need to be seen.
If you stay focused on why they are wrong about the detail you’re missing what’s providing the fuel for their anger or frustration, so you’ll continue going around in circles.
You never have to agree with or even like how someone thinks, feels or behaves but acknowledging that they are a human being with their own experiences makes it possible for them to do the same, and the channel open again.
3. Accept everything.
If you’re on board with the idea that conflict is natural and that people (including you) have their own conditioned responses to difficult topics or conversations, then put that into practice.
This applies to your own internal experience as much as how other people react.
If something unexpected or uncomfortable happens within you, can you notice the feelings and urges that come up?
If you’re pissed off, recognise and accept you’re pissed off.
If you feel anxious, accept that this situation seems to be worrying to you.
Accepting how you feel doesn’t mean putting those feelings in the driving seat.
Paradoxically, it’s when we don’t pay attention to them that they dictate what we say or do next.
It’s just the same for how we experience other people. If we tell ourselves that someone shouldn’t feel or express themselves a certain way, we implicitly judge that person, which will trigger a reaction in them and move us further and further away from understanding.
4. Stay curious.
Accepting what happens - inside and out - creates the possibility for us to get curious about it.
When we’re judging our feelings or the other’s reactions we’re locked up, rigid and unable to see what’s really going on.
If someone seems angry or worried, why is that? What is it about this issue that has meaning for them?
It’s likely that this is an issue that matters to you too (otherwise you wouldn’t be fighting) but you’re not in conflict over the issue itself. The conflict is about how it touches on something that matters, personally.
I’ve had conversations about some of the most contentious issues possible that directly affect the safety of people I care about and trigger very strong reactions in me.
But when I’ve been able to suspend my judgements and become curious about what’s going on for the other person, I’ve been able to see their perspective.
Doing this allows us to talk about what’s really going on rather than getting further and further away from what matters.
And when we have the humility to accept that we might not know everything on this topic, curiousity also provides us with new insight that might change our views.
Being curious is also the antidote to taking things personally (back to principle one again). When you’re curious, you’re able to see that however the other person expresses themselves, it’s not about you, it’s about them.
5. Steady the body
All zero-sum conflicts - the ones that keep everyone stuck and don’t help us towards a better understanding or more creative outcome - stem from a dysregulated nervous system.
When we’re triggered it’s because something has threatened our sense of psychological safety.
Something about this situation has pushed a button which in turn initiates a script laid down in our conditioning. This led to a cascade of changes in our autonomic nervous system.
When this happens the chemical and hormonal balance in the body shifts and, in an instant, so does our way of looking at the world.
We’re seeing the other as a problem - the cause of our difficult and uncomfortable feelings. Internally we’re scrabbling around for ways to make these feelings go away, and neutralising the other person is the most obvious answer.
Whether that shows up as us soothing them or shouting at them, the request from our triggered self is the same: I don’t like this, make it to go away.
The irony is that one of the most effective ways to find more ease in a tricky conversation is by accepting what’s happening and staying curious, so that we can see that we’re not under threat.
However, in the moment we need to first notice the changes in our body and try to bring back some balance. This might be through taking time out, going for a walk or practicing a breathing method that brings around a neurophysiological reset.
Simple but not easy
After nearly a decade of teaching this work and lifetime of developing it through my own personal and professional practice, I am confident that these simple principles will change how you experience conflict.
At the same time, we’re all carrying the weight of our history - both our personal, developmental experience and that of our evolutionary biology.
Although there are universal truths when it comes to interpersonal conflict, how you show up to it is always going to be unique to you.
This goes as much for your conditioned responses - the ones that might not always serve you - as well as how you might develop a more grounded and creative approach.
So these principles are not rules or methods in themselves, but ideas for you to test out and integrate in a way that works for you.
And they aren’t five distinct and separate rules - they are interconnected ideas which bolster and support one another.
The one, underlying and unifying reality in all of this - to come right back to the beginning - is that conflict is natural.
It makes no greater sense to keep fighting against it than it does to go out in a rain storm and scream at the clouds in frustration.
If you’d like to work on your skills and confidence in holding difficult conversations and working with conflict, the Spring cohort of How to Fight Well starts on the 25th February.
Email hello@maxstjohn.com if you’re interested in taking part.