How to kill connection (and how to bring it back to life).
Our habitual and default ways of responding to one another often lead to feelings of rejection and hurt, despite our best intentions. But there are simple ways to break this pattern.
“All communication is a bid for connection”
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
Conflict can seem to come out of nowhere - it’s not always tied to an obvious event.
These are the difficulties that can seem most difficult. One moment everything is fine, the next we’re shouting at each other.
Or perhaps it’s more sneaky and troubling; one moment we’re asking how each others’ days were and the next thing you realise, the other person has withdrawn and isn’t talking to you any more.
One of the many things that have come up over the years of coaching and training people in conflict, but that has become clearer to me through therapy training, is the cause of these blindsiding conflicts.
When John and Julie Gottman (pioneering researcher-practioners in the field of marriage and relationships) introduced the idea of ‘communication as bids for connection’, they touched on a fundamental truth.
Each time I approach my partner, parent, friend or colleague with an opening question or statement, I’m making an implicit request.
Whatever the content of my approach, beneath that is a simple desire to be seen and felt.
It might be as simple as me asking how they are doing, going in for a hug, or telling them something about a situation I’m chewing over.
The words or behaviour aren’t what really matter, it’s the need underneath them.
What we’re saying is: I’m here with all my stuff and I’d like to know that you’re here with me too.
The slip
Conflict often arises when any bid for connection is turned down.
This often is in the form of an invalidating response.
An example of this might be approaching your partner with a concern you have, and they respond with something along the lines of: “What are you worrying about that for?”
In that moment their response makes perfect sense to them but stems from their own need for you to be OK.
From their perspective, it feels an act of kindness. They see that there’s some level of distress coming from you, and they’d like you to feel better.
This is a normal, valid human reaction. When we see someone struggling, it makes us feel uncomfortable at some level, particularly if it’s a partner or child.
But in our haste to respond from that habitual place and ‘fix’ the other person’s distress, what they hear is: ‘What you’re bringing is not OK for me.”
This invalidating response says: ‘I see you, and your stuff, and that’s not something I’m comfortable with right now and I’d like it to go away’.
These are the surprising interactions that lead to those blindsiding conflicts.
Here I am, just responding casually to your comment or question, wanting you to be free of the suffering you just shared with me, and suddenly you’ve blown up or withdrawn.
WTAF?
In that confusion, in turn you probably hurt. You don’t know what you’ve done wrong, and yet suddenly it seems like I’ve created a problem.
But you haven’t. None of this stems from any bad intention - quite the opposite. It’s your care for the other person, the attachment you have in that relationship or to what it represents for you that drives your response.
And it also often comes out of the frenetic nature of life. As Graham Alcott, the author of “KIND: The Quiet Power of Kindness at Work” talks about, it’s often busyness that drives seemingly unkind behaviour.
When we’re rushing around juggling our various responsibilities and fighting 10,000 distractions, we’re operating on autopilot.
Default responses are all we’ve got when our attention is barely in the moment and often already on the things we haven’t yet done.
(This helps us see how systemic pressures are the drivers of conflict, rather than individuals themselves, but more on that another time…)
In the middle of our mindless daily chaos, you just see the crying child, the slightly needy husband or the anxious colleague as a problem to be fixed, even if you don’t realise it.
The repair
Fortunately there is a very simple way through this but although it’s simple, it’s not easy.
The simple bit is to notice the kind of responses that invalidate the other person’s feelings:
Solutionising: “Why don’t you just…”)
Placating (“There, there, stop crying.”)
Dismissing (“I don’t see why that matters!”)
And pause before you do.
Instead, offering any one of the following:
Acknowledging: “I hear you.”
Validating: “That sounds tough.”
Inquiring: “Tell me more.”
Simple, but not easy.
Why? Because those default responses are hard-wired. They are behaviours you picked up from your parents and other care-givers.
Every time you experienced them, they trod and retrod neural pathways in your brain until they become the shortcuts your unconscious mind slipped down every time a similar situation arose.
And underneath that pattern is an attempt to meet your own needs.
The very normal difficulty of seeing the person who represents safety (like a partner) feeling unstable or afraid, or the person who represents vulnerability (your children, for example) in their suffering.
It makes you feel discomfort and you are programmed to make that go away.
Unfortunately the invalidating responses have the opposite effect - they usually worsen the situation by creating more fear, anxiety or tears, or they create a secondary problem - the ensuing argument or the frosty withdrawal.
Although it might be hard to sit with that discomfort and choose a different response, it’s the only way to meet that bid for connection and keep that connection open.
But if you can, by testing out new behaviours and feeling the benefit, you’ll create new neural pathways that become your new defaults.
My name is Max and I work with people who want to become more skilled at navigating conflict, doing hard things and building great relationships.
If you’re looking for help, drop me an email at hello@maxstjohn.com or check out www.howtofightwell.com for a list of free resources and other support.