Conflict without violence: beyond blame and retribution
Conflict doesn't have to lead to suffering or bloodshed but it so often does. For those of us struggling with the human impact of war, perhaps we can examine our own behaviour and start from there.

“What happens when they (the Israeli Defence Force) leave? Perhaps there will be another generation, even more embittered than the last, left behind.”
- Jeremy Bowen, BBC International News Editor, speaking on the Today Programme, 13th October 2023
I’m not going to write about what’s currently happening in Israel and Palestine. There are people far better informed than me if you’re looking for comment or critique on any aspect.
I can’t hope to understand the subtleties, nuance and history of this conflict let alone see beyond the ignorance of my biases and assumptions.
What I can say is that I find the impact on civilian populations horrific, disturbing and deeply saddening.
Also, despite my ignorance, I stand against any action, by any party that harms civilians, under any circumstance.
I would like to tell you that I find it hard to understand how human beings are capable of doing these things to one another, but I don’t.
Partly this is simply ‘because history’.
People have been doing unspeakable things to one another for thousands of years. Nothing being done today seems much different to what’s been happening between groups of people in neighbouring geographies since the Mesolithic era (c 8000 years ago) when mass graves started appearing.
That said, the speed, efficiency and brutality that technology affords us does make it harder to stomach.
But it’s not just that this is nothing new. I understand its underlying mechanics.
One of the first things I learned when I initially trained in Nonviolent Communication was a model created by Thaya Thayaparan, a trainer, mediator and negotiator of Peace and Community Action in Sri Lanka who is also the recipient of a International Peace Award for his contributions to peacework in the country.
I’d never seen it before and I’ve never seen it since but I’ve taught it in every course and programme I’ve run, for nearly a decade.
The model is called ‘The cycle of judgement and blame’ and it looks at how the individual events in our lives lead to conflict and retaliation.
It’s very simple to understand.
At the top is an event, a trigger.
This event might be words or actions which then lead to an automatic re-action inside of you.
It causes a disturbance of some kind. You might feel surprise, anger, frustration or sadness for example.
Your brain, in partnership with your nervous system, links the event with the feelings and looks for their source.
Who just said those words? Who was behind that action?
Obviously - to the brain at least - that person is responsible for these unexpected and uncomfortable feelings.
The brain wants to understand why this has happened. Why would these words or actions be directed at you? What does it tell us about this person?
It refers back to all the stored memories and feelings you have logged in your deep memory, quickly locating everything that feels remotely familiar.
It uses this information to create a ‘story of now’, which goes along the lines of ‘They did this to me because they are selfish/rude/uncaring/aggressive/evil/stupid…(etc)’
This all happens in an instant.
It’s an automatic judgement that is both satisfying and feels useful.
You immediately have explanation for this unexpected event and a place from which to act.
If this other person is responsible for making you feel angry or afraid, and they are a selfish or aggressive person, then it makes sense to do something to change them and make these feelings go away.
This might be in the form of shouting back at them, correcting them, turning away, going silent, using physical force (and so on).
Whatever the action, it comes out of this tight, tense body that’s already decided it was under attack and the only thing that makes sense is to fight back.
The trouble is, however subtle or passive aggressive the response, it will be felt as a trigger event for the other person.
And so they notice the uncomfortable or unwanted feelings your action throws up, they make a snap judgement of you and act accordingly.
At which point, you experience this as a trigger event and…
You get the point.
While I describe this as an individual experience, it’s one that maps to inter-family, community level, and global conflict.
It explains the spiralling, never-ending wars we see playing out over generations, throughout history.
However, the model explains why conflict happens but it is not saying that violent conflict is the only possible outcome.
As I described above, the reason you find yourself acting in ways that create more conflict is because you’ve automatically judged and blamed the other person for ‘making you feel’ the way you do.
You’ve (understandably) fallen back on your internal assessment of them, based on an extremely limited amount of information, and chosen to act.
It might not feel like a choice - the tension in the body that these events create can feel like our judgements are rock solid and the subsequent reaction is an unstoppable urge - the only thing that makes sense in this situation.
But anyone who’s written the angry email, left it in draft and slept on it only to feel a find a new and balanced perspective in the morning, knows that however convinced you are of what’s going on, there are more perspectives available.
This is what the cycle of judgement and blame has to offer - clarity that when you fall back on your judgements and act out of the resulting tension in the body, you just get more of the same.
Conflict itself is not the problem.
You need conflict in your life. We need conflict in public life.
Conflict can show you things you don’t yet understand and offer you a chance to see the world from a different perspective.
Conflict can provide an opportunity to synthesise new information and ideas into better ways of living and being.
But it cannot if you decide to react without discernment and with an intention to harm, shame or silence the other person.
This kind of behaviour might be an inevitable part of the human condition but it doesn’t mean you have to allow it to continue playing out in your life. Not all the time, at least.
It is entirely possible to catch yourself in the moment - to notice your triggered state and take a moment to steady yourself.
A few breaths or a short walk is all it takes to break the circuit.
Instead of ‘You did that to me so I’m going to do this to you’ you can switch to ‘What’s going on right now and what do I want to happen next?’
People often feel like they’re not being true to themselves if they don’t put others in their place out of hurt feelings, righteous indignation or a bruised ego.
But the truth is that everyone is doing their best, in any given moment, to get their needs met.
You might not like how they go about it but you don’t have to take it personally. And when you choose not to, you are taking responsibility and giving yourself the option of acting creatively, out of discernment.
When Jeremy Bowen talked about his fears for the future of Gaza once the Israeli forces had made a ground incursion, it stood out to me because he was pointing simultaneously to both the inter-generational conflicts like those in the Middle East and the micro-experience of relating as an individual to those around us in any given moment.
Perhaps it’s my way of self-soothing when I feel the distress of seeing violent conflict, its impact on innocent people and the lack of hope that things will ever change, but I do believe that my ability - or inability - to manage my reactivity, and act from a place of curiousity not judgement, is one of the few opportunities I have to effect change in the world.
I teach people how to navigate conflict and work together for more creative outcomes. If you’d like training or coaching for your organisation get in touch via hello@maxstjohn.com