Negotiating like everyone's needs matter
Conflict feels like a tug-of-war that only one person can win but life is not a zero-sum game and we can (almost) always find solutions that move everyone forward.
Conflict is characterised by a feeling that there is a zero sum game at play - as if only one person can get their needs met.
This may be the most fundamental and straightforward way of identifying that a relationship is in conflict.
What makes these situations feel hard is not the details of the conflict but the underlying tension this idea creates.
If all participants were able to take a calm and collected step back, they would see all the creative ways to solve the conflict.
But in these conditions your autonomic nervous system is triggered into a state of dysregulation - what we sometimes call ‘fight or flight’.
That might be obvious - feeling all the chaos and confusion of a body under threat - or something more subtle, more like a mind that perceives itself to be at odds with external forces.
In both cases, the physiological changes that take place in the body induce a narrowness of thought that’s difficult to get passed.
This is a normal and natural reaction that has helped the human race survive and persist - the ability to turn any situation into a simple problem to be solved through immediate action.
However, when we are dealing with the psychological needs of people in the workplace or at home, it prevents us from finding creative solutions.
When negotiating for the best possible outcome, the first job is to remember and make clear that in this situation, everyone’s needs matter.
This might not mean that everyone’s needs can be met - at least in the way they feel they *should* be at this point - but you have to start from the premise that there is no zero-sum game to be played and there will be no winners and losers.
Whether you’re negotiating between two team members or trying to find a peaceful solution with your partner, embodying this idea as best you can is the first and most important step.
Another identifier of conflict - and reason that conflict becomes intractable - is when two or more people become attached to the same strategy or solution.
For example: a team member wants a raise, but the manager doesn’t have any more budget for that financial year. Or my partner wants a break from childcare while I have work to do.
In both scenarios, the two parties are literally competing for the same thing and have become convinced that this is the way to get their needs met.
However, underneath each desired outcome, or strategy, there is a deeper need.
For the employee this may be about recognition or perhaps security. For my partner it might be about space or freedom to choose.
But while all parties stay attached to their idea of what needs to happen, everyone stays stuck in their psychological, inter-relational tug of war.
To get past this, you have to get adept at asking what needs are at play.
In this context, needs are something very particular and specific.
They are not feelings or external ‘things’ but a motivation or urge within you that wants to be met.
Agency, freedom, choice, to matter and belong, rest, space, play - all these and more are expressions of your innate human needs that influence how you perceive and interact with other people.
(Note: if you want a full list of needs, email me hello@maxstjohn.com and I will send you one).
The key thing about needs is that they are independent of other people and their actions, but can be found by asking questions about what it is you’re thinking and feeling in relation to those externalities.
For the employee in the above scenario, this could mean asking what they money represents. Is it about being better able to support their family in a time of need? In which case this might be about their need for security or safety. Or is it about feeling like their effort and experience is valued? A need for recognition or to matter, perhaps.
And the manager - what is their need in this situation? To balance the salary budget and manage the finances well? Meeting their need for responsibility or integrity. And perhaps it might be about retaining good people? Needs for care and safety, if they are worried they can’t meet their goals without a good team.
Getting good at asking questions that identify the need is a critical skill and requires practice, but using the strategy or solution being sought as the starting point is a good way to go about it.
Once you’ve identified the needs, space opens up for more creative solutions.
How could the manager or employer support the team member to feel more financially safe and secure without a pay rise this financial year? And how could they do that in a way that retained the person that they have come to rely on and value?
What if a pay rise came next year? Or if they could reduce their hours, without losing any money, so that they could lower their childcare costs?
Exploring possibilities from the idea that everyone’s needs matter and they are not in conflict turns a zero-sum game into a shared inquiry.
This is not to say that finding these win-win solutions is always possible or easy but they are more often available to you than you think.
Getting skilled at spotting the opportunity to put this into practice is the difference between a constant battle of psychological load-balancing and constructive, creative collaboration.
So to summarise, these are the simple (but not necessarily easy) steps to negotiating like everyone’s needs matter:
Notice the state of your nervous system and take care of your body. Before any action, take time to develop a state that’s better able to see the bigger picture.
Remember and embody the idea that everyone’s needs matter. Where possible, create conditions that make it easier for everyone to understand this.
Ask questions that drop below the solution or strategy and find the needs. Use the perceived conflict as a signpost towards what each party might be needing.
Identify new solutions and strategies that meet everyone’s needs. Work together, in shared inquiry, to creatively explore all the possible options.
I’m Max and I train people in conflict, communication and leadership. If you’re interested in training -for you or your team - in creative negotiation skills, drop me a line hello@maxstjohn.com