To the conflict avoiders.
By keeping quiet you create a battle on the inside and miss out on all the opportunities to learn and develop, in all the ways that you need.
"If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself."
- Cheryl Richardson
I was working in the forge this week, listening to Jayson Gaddis’s book: ‘Getting to Zero’.
When I heard the quote above, I intuitively knew that there was something quite profound to it that was totally in line with my conflict practice. But I had to ask myself what it really means.
So I turned off the audiobook, carried on hammering out the work and gave it a bit of space.
Here’s what I unpacked:
Most people don't like to 'make a fuss' and invite what they think of as conflict.
But if you experience something that you feel uncomfortable with or that crosses a boundary for you, and you don't confront it, there is an impact.
And that impact is on you.
Your unmet need, that was triggered by the words or behaviour of another person, remains unmet and stays that way.
It has triggered a feeling, a memory of something unresolved from your past, that becomes your present.
It’s uncomfortable but it has nowhere to go. It remains with you, unchallenged and unchanged.
On top of that you are likely to judge yourself for not having spoken up or held your space in some way.
It affects your sense of self and creates distance between you and the other.
And the irony is that it if you understand somebody's true meaning or motivation, you come to realise that it was never about you.
Most of the time, all you need to do is calmly (or not so calmly) inquire into what they meant, or what was going on for them, behind what just happened.
You’ll find that they were only expressing their needs, and however that came out, it was the best they could do in the moment.
And when you understand, you stop taking it personally.
And when you do that, you avert the war inside.
On Tuesday 5th December, I’m holding a talk on the Drama Triangle. It takes place at 13.00 GMT and it’s free to join. You can sign up here