Tools for self-management no.1 - The Buffer

I'm writing a series of posts on skills I've found help to manage the everyday knocks and bumps of being human, reduce the likelihood of unhealthy conflict and make life more enjoyable.

For the past two years or so, I’ve been a stay-at-home Dad and home educator.

This is around my conflict teaching, blacksmithing and Qi Gong lessons. It also includes making sure the house isn’t a wreck, there’s food in the fridge, everyone gets fed (including the dogs) and walked (mainly the dogs).

Then there’s the taxi service that is being a parent of two fast-growing children in a remote rural area.

I don’t think it’s too dramatic to say that it sometimes proves stressful.

And because human suffering is always relative, it doesn’t matter what your responsibilities are, I feel it’s safe to say that most of us experience regular periods of difficulty with our day-to-day lives.

What I’ve found is that my responses to other people (particularly my children) can sometimes be ill-considered and highly reactive.

If I’m juggling ten things at once, and caught in some kind of inner drama, then when a small child or my partner wanders up to me with a totally reasonable demand, how I behave can be unhelpful.

I might respond with frustration or irritation, or I might say ‘No’ and push back when there’s absolutely no reason to.

Not only does this have a negative impact on others, which might then result in a conflict or unhappy conversation, but later on I inevitably regret it.

The reason I might behave in this way is perfectly normal and acceptable. Like I said: I’m usually fighting fires on many fronts and not necessarily taking care of my needs for space and rest.

Then there’s my programming - my automatic responses to incoming stimuli are not based on a pragmatic weighing up of the situation or inquiry into what’s needed - they are the result of my conditioning, insecurities and unmet needs from elsewhere.

And this is where my first ‘Tool for self-management’ has developed.

I used to teach people tools and skills on my courses, and I’ve realised that many of them are things that I think should be useful.

They might be based on something I’ve read and practiced in a workshop, or a piece of received wisdom from my NVC teacher, for example.

But in the past few months I’ve noticed something that’s happened naturally which is a massive source of help and it’s very, very simple.

When I’m in the middle of something - whether that’s an ‘outer activity’ like trying to get the dinner made and respond to emails at the same time (which is a daft idea in the first place) or stuck in an ‘inner activity’ like chewing over a tricky problem or concern, I’m most likely to react in an unhelpful way.

So, when my two children start squabbling over something I think is unnecessary, or my partner walks up to me and starts telling me about something she thinks is important, my immediate reaction might be to shut them all down.

“Bloody stop it, you two!” or “Jeez, I’m in the middle of something else, can’t it wait?”

Both responses that get me what I want in the moment - a bit more peace and quiet - but create distance and disconnection with the people I love.

But now, 75% of the time, these automatic reactions only happen in my head.

Literally the same words or feelings, but gently contained inside me.

This gives me two critical things:

1. Self-empathy - the act of just allowing my reactive self some space to express itself in a contained way immediately eases the tension that I self-create in the moment.

2. Time - the tension eases in the space of about three seconds, which is more than enough time for my reflective self to respond in a way I’d actually like.

So instead of “Stop it!” I can ask: “What’s going on guys? Anything you need help with?”

Or instead of “Please just leave me to get on!” I can ask: “Is this something we could chat about later?”

And most importantly, the response isn’t coming out of that tense space, so it doesn’t create the natural limbic reaction in others.

By that I mean - when you feel triggered and tense, whatever you say is only a small part of the interaction with others. They will naturally pick up on your tone of voice, body language and the feeling they get from being near you.

I know it’s such a ridiculously simple thing but at a time where we’re going through yet another set of big transitions - two new schools in a new area where we don’t know anyone - the ‘buffer’ has naturally emerged.

There’s no step-by-step instruction here - all that’s required is a tiny bit of awareness (How am I feeling? How do I want to react?) and the willingness to let that happen, but without it spilling out.

It’s not about suppression and it’s not about self-indulgence - like I said above, it’s about self-empathy and pragmatism: What is going to get the best out of this situation, for me and for others?

And it’s not complicated - these aren’t questions we need to spend hours reflecting on. With a tiny bit of practice they become unconscious, non-verbal skills we can tune into.

I hope that might be useful to some people - if it is, or you already practice something similar, let me know.

I’ll follow up with more tools for self-management which I’ve found have had a big impact on my relationships and wellbeing.