Tools for self-management no.3 - People are mirrors
In this final piece in my short series, I close off with a super simple way to drop the tension and judgement that causes so much unnecessary conflict in our daily lives, created entirely by... you.

I’m in the kitchen on a Monday morning. I’m looking at the piles of (what I deem to be) crap my kids have left scattered around the place. I feel frustration and a familiar sense of not being listened to. I’m always asking them to clear up after themselves and yet, here I am again, faced with the same mess.
On the way back from the school run someone comes round the corner way too fast and we both have to slam on our brakes to avoid a collision. I’m a bit angry and feel disdainful towards them, shaking my head as I silently tell them off for not taking care, being in too much of a hurry and putting us both at risk.
Much later that day, I’m locking up for the night. I come to our lean-to where our laundry room is, in which I also keep some of my more expensive tools. The door is wide open and the key is still in the lock. I roll my eyes. Obviously my wife has been in there, sorting out the washing, and just walked off without a thought to come back and secure it. Irritated at her carelessness, I lock up and turn back to the house to say something.
These little windows into my mundane, everyday existence are all based on real examples.
They are the bumps and knocks in what would otherwise be a smooth and easy existence. Spanners in my otherwise orderly works, seemingly chucked in by the people around me.
When I talk about conflict, or teach on my courses, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the focus might be on the big issues - marriages breaking, neighbourly disputes erupting into violence, messy employee performance issues.
It can be - but if we’ve got to that point, it’s all the harder to pull things back.
And, all big things are made of many other, small things.
Every major conflict is a result of tens, if not hundreds, of minor frustrations, irritations and judgements.
However, let’s re-examine the examples above, in the way I now experience them.
I’m in the kitchen on a Monday morning. I’m looking at the piles of (what I deem to be) crap my kids have left scattered around the place. I feel frustration and a familiar sense of not being listened to. I pause, look around, and remind myself that there are as many - if not more - piles of my crap, lying around the house.
My frustration eases and instead of shouting up the stairs to command them to ‘get down here and tidy your stuff up’, I put it to one side so they can take it up when they next pass.
On the way back from the school run someone comes round the corner way too fast and we both have to slam on our brakes to avoid a collision. I’m notice feeling angry and remember it’s a function of my fear. Clocking my disdain, I remember the times I’ve been in too much of a hurry and found myself on the receiving end of a nasty glare.
Instead of my condescending shake of the head, I smile at them to say ‘No harm done’ and back up so we can pass each other.
Much later that day, I’m locking up for the night. I come to our lean-to where our laundry room is, in which I also keep some of my more expensive tools. The door is wide open and the key is still in the lock. I roll my eyes. I assume my wife has been in there, sorting out the washing, and just walked off without securing it.
Holding my irritation lightly, I go back into the house and mention that it’s left open, asking if she meant to do that. She points out that she hasn’t been out there and that I was the last one to go in… Whoops.
See, I’ve learned two things about these everyday mini-conflicts.
In most situations where I feel triggered by something that someone else has done, there is a 99.99% chance that I have done the same thing.
Even if I can’t see a concrete example, it’s better that I assume that I have done the same thing, because I’m more likely to have a blindspot for my own behaviour.
I feel confident that there is some kind of connection between my reaction to an event and my having done that same thing before, but I haven’t yet been able to explain that fully.
However, I don’t feel the need to. I’ve proved to myself, time and time again, that I am just as faulty and haphazard as everyone else in my life. I’ve been caught out and called out so many times, that it is beyond doubt.
The bigger the trigger, the harder it might be to see, but even if someone is being racist or sexist (for example) in a way that really upsets me, there’s a good chance that I show prejudice towards others in some way, even if that’s towards people I deem to be racist or sexist.
I do think these reactive thoughts and feelings serve a purpose - even if they leave us feeling discontented and, to an extent, at war with the world around us.
They create an ‘everyone-but-me’ feeling - where we are the hero and the victim, all at once.
We can feel superior and that we carry the weight of righteousness on our shoulders.
However, they also create a constant stream of disconnections between us and other people.
Our misguided judgements and lack of humility create a slowly-growing pile of fractured interactions which, sooner or later, will come back on us.
It might be that my sons finally get fed up with me shouting at them to clear up after themselves and shout back. Or worse - they never do, and develop a sense of never being able to be good enough for their dad.
Or that my wife eventually has had enough of me labelling her as careless and picking at her behaviours, finally giving me (quite rightly) what for and resulting in a big bust up.
It might feel unsettling to start assuming that you’re just as ‘at fault’ as the people around you when you’re irritated, frustrated or angry, but it’s also a huge relief.
No longer do you have to be the faultless one, the one who has to pick up after other people. You can be a messy human, just like everyone else, and just take responsibility for your own shit - literal and metaphorical.
So, as my last ‘Tip for self-management’, I encourage you to notice the next time you get annoyed at a spouse, child or colleague, and ask when you might have been just as guilty of the same thing.
Watch the judgment dissolve. Feel the tension ease. Notice the quality of interaction which comes out of this state, and all the creative possibilities which wouldn’t be there if you pinned it all on someone else.
And, just enjoy the idea that you’re adding something positive to that relationship, one micro-interaction at a time.
Wow man! I've just read this for a second time (to Leanne just before bed time).....this is my inner conflict summed up to a tee!!!!
Thanks Max, really useful reminder;)